Original submission date blues

The date that Kevin first went into PGN is the date that the OUTs are coming right now. It makes me so sad that I could have gotten the call by now if the reviewer hadn't been so damn ridiculous. I want that call so bad and, although it's possible to get the call tomorrow, in all probability I have a couple more weeks to fret over getting it or a KO...shhhh. Since it is, theoretically, possible to get the call any day now, I spend the day tense...practically thrumming...in anticipation. The nights, though, are a bit depressing. Another night is almost over and I'll start the whole thing all over again. It's exhausting. Truly exhausting.

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Fighting the devil

Tonight I was reading http://www.adoptingahren.blogspot.com/ and understood exactly what she was talking about. While leaving a comment, all these feelings that I've been fighting came flooding out of me.

When Kevin first entered PGN 8 weeks and 1 day ago (but who's counting), I vowed, publicly even, that I would try to be nothing but happy for those who go into PGN and get OUT in 2 weeks(ish). I am happy for those families and, especially, the babies. It's the way it should be, but, boy oh boy, it's getting tougher and tougher to fight the evil feeling of jealousy. I know I haven't been IN that long compared to some and that makes my envy even worse in my own eyes. I'm terrified of another KO at this point. It turns my stomach when I see someone has gotten a KO so late into PGN because I know another one could come for me at any time. I'm so tense waiting for the call because it could go either way, really. I ask God for strength, not only to get through the rest of the process, but to open my heart and lose the feeling of bitterness when I see a quick OUT. It's not who I am to feel that way and I don't like it one little bit...

Meme about Me

I got this from this blog...http://flyonthewall.blogspot.com/

43 Little-Known Facts About Tami

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

My middle name is the middle name of my Grandmother.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

I cried tears from laughter reading the archives of this blog about a week ago...http://boobsinjuriesanddrpepper.blogspot.com/ Sad tears was the day I had to give Kevin back to the FM on the visit trip.

3. Do you like your handwriting?

No.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

Depends on my mood. I don't eat it often, but hard salami when I do.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

Working on it.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

Yes....unless I had no common sense at all, or a completely illogical thinker, because I can be impatient with people like that.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?

Oh, Lord, it never stops.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?

Yes

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?

That time has passed.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?

Don't eat it, but when I used to it was Lucky Charms

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?

Yes

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?

Yes

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?

Peanut butter

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

Whatever is most noticeable about that particular person. See how I
over think things?

15. RED OR PINK?

red

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?

My chin

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?

Kevin & My grandmother

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO DO THIS MEME TOO?

Yes, everyone.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?

Jean shorts and white Nike's with silver trim and a bright green swoosh.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?

3 cheese cubes.

21. WHAT RADIO STATION ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?

I'm not.

22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?

Uh...how does one answer this question? It's weird. Do I answer my favorite color? Do I answer a color that gets used a lot or one that doesn't? Weird question....over thinking again...

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?

A baby's head

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?

Mom

25. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

PA

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?

Hockey...especially if I'm there!

27. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HAIR?

Brown

28. EYE COLOR?

Brown

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?

yes

30. FAVORITE FOOD?

Steak

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

happy endings

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?

Shrek the 3rd

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?

Blue Tower of Terror T-shirt from Disney

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?

Summer all the way

35. HUGS OR KISSES?

depends on who you are (I stole this answer, but could it be more appropriate?)

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?

pb cup and Oreo cookie Blizzard from DQ

37. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING RIGHT NOW?

Don't Say A Word...can't remember the author.

38. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?

Graph lines.

39. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT?

Outrageous Moments

40. FAVORITE SOUND?

The music playing at Disney World!

41. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?

Not really fond of either

42. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?

Guatemala

43. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?

Does always being right count?

"If you build it, 'he' will come..."

I received Kevin's 5 month doctor's visit yesterday. He's up to 12lbs, 5ozs and a little over 24.25 inches long now. He's doing well and developmentally on target. Here are the pics from the visit:

My mom and her DH brought the crib down last night, as well as a bunch of other goodies. I decided today that I would assemble it taking a page from A Field Of Dreams. If I build it, he will come. OK....I'm ready...

How it all began...

I was reading a blog today....http://thereignofellen.blogspot.com/....and realized that I never shared how I was led to Kevin. My very first post on this blog was that I was starting this blog midstream. I thought it would be a good time to share my journey (Rach, you know most of this so I'll understand if you click off now ;)...). Besides, I'm short of material....

I honestly can't say when I first heard it....that loud "tick-tock" sound coming from my body. I just know that once I did, it was overwhelming. I thought I had resigned myself to having no children of my own...even embraced the idea, but there it was...all of a sudden...this booming "TICK-TOCK".

I attempted AI (artificial insemination) for nine months, beginning in September 2005, until I got some blood work done that showed that a viable pregnancy was all but hopeless. It was an extremely difficult and emotional 9 months for me, but, once the results of the blood work came back, my path was very clear to me. I wanted to be a mommy-not give birth (that thought was a little frightening, actually, for more than one reason...my Diabetes and the possible complications and, well, PAIN). The last couple of months of attempting AI, I was casually exploring the idea of adoption. I'm not sure why, but Guatemala was where I was drawn and I began my research in earnest...After becoming almost an expert on fertility through a fertility message board, my next mission was to do the same regarding Guatemalan adoptions.

I found an adoption message board that is a wealth of information and found an agency that received glowing recommendations from everyone I contacted about them. In June 2006, I signed with them and the journey was about to begin...if a single thing had happened differently, I would not have been referred Kevin. I think about that now as I wait for word that the baby I love, my son in my heart if not yet legally, and I'm so grateful for the delays that I was cursing with a vengeance while they were happening.

I dove into the paperchase and was on my way. During the paperchase I hit a glitch that almost ended my dream. My adoption was put on "hold" for about 3 weeks. I received word I could continue if my "glitch" was straightened out. I was already working on it (I'm sorry I can't share the details at this point, but it's somebody else's privacy at stake). It was supposed to be taken care of in a matter of days, but it took 7 freakin' weeks. I continued with the rest of the paperchase and scheduled my 2nd homestudy visit. I was ready for the HS to be submitted to USCIS by the end of September, but my homestudy social worker took his sweet ass time finishing it. I finally wrote to him and told him that I only had 4 months from the time I got my USCIS fingerprints done to submit my homestudy. At the time, I actually thought that was true, but it turned out it wasn't. Never-the-less, it worked and my HS was submitted to USCIS on November 2nd...FINALLY. I received my approval on 11/28/06. My completed dossier was submitted to my agency. Hold up #3....there was a "redo" on my doctor's exam report. I had to go back to my doctor and have him resign the form because, when they copied it onto their letterhead, it left smudges all across the top of it. My doctor, God bless him, did it very quick. I had to sent that back out to get Certified and Authenticated again, so I lost another 2 weeks. Finally, my dossier was ready to go to Guatemala and was there on 12/15/06.

I was, then, officially on the waiting list for a referral! WooHoo! I was definite that I wanted a boy and, wouldn't you know it, for the first time in my agency's history, there was a waiting list for boys.

Let's recap, shall we?

#1) A 7 week holdup on the "glitch". #2) Over a month waiting for the finalization of my HS. #3) A 2 week holdup on a redo. #4) A 10 week wait for my referral.

I finally got the magical call on 2/5/07 and this is one of the pics I received:

I knew the minute I saw him why things happened the way they did and I couldn't be happier (Well, except when I get my OUT call, of course).

....and AFTER

The hair is gone. I feel such relief and I'm sure you do, too, since you won't have to read about it anymore. Keep in mind that it won't look this way ever again because the hair absolutely never looks the same as when the hairdresser does it. I want wash and go and she use a roll brush and a hairdryer and some gunk in it. Now, I'm not adverse to said gunk...I used gunk with my spikes, so I'll be playing with it this week to see what I'll end up with. Of course, by the time I figure out what I like, it will have grown out again because of my freakishly fast growing hair. My hairdresser said no less than 4 times after she cut it, "Oh, yeah, you're definitely a short hair girl". That ensures I'll never try the long hair thing again. Ya can't say I didn't try, at least.




Drum roll, please:


On another note...my mom called today to ask if there's any news on Kevin (as if she wouldn't hear me screaming from over an hour away, or something). She informed me that she bought a stroller and some books for Kevin. She also asked if I got a crib yet and said she found a 4-in-1 crib and wondered if I'd like that. Oh, abso-freakin'-lutely! She's picking it up and bringing it to me this week. WooHoo! This made me inordinately happy. Just like the day she told me she kisses his picture and tells him she can't wait for him to be home. It just touches me so deeply that she is so on-board with the adoption. Excuse me while I get a tissue...