Friday, July 6, 2007

Fighting the devil

Tonight I was reading http://www.adoptingahren.blogspot.com/ and understood exactly what she was talking about. While leaving a comment, all these feelings that I've been fighting came flooding out of me.

When Kevin first entered PGN 8 weeks and 1 day ago (but who's counting), I vowed, publicly even, that I would try to be nothing but happy for those who go into PGN and get OUT in 2 weeks(ish). I am happy for those families and, especially, the babies. It's the way it should be, but, boy oh boy, it's getting tougher and tougher to fight the evil feeling of jealousy. I know I haven't been IN that long compared to some and that makes my envy even worse in my own eyes. I'm terrified of another KO at this point. It turns my stomach when I see someone has gotten a KO so late into PGN because I know another one could come for me at any time. I'm so tense waiting for the call because it could go either way, really. I ask God for strength, not only to get through the rest of the process, but to open my heart and lose the feeling of bitterness when I see a quick OUT. It's not who I am to feel that way and I don't like it one little bit...

4 comments:

trina said...

I'm right there with ya :( I know this is an awful feeling. I hope we both get out of pgn soon!

Trina, waiting on AJ
(PGN 4/27, ko 6/4, back in pgn 6/22)

Lou said...

Tam,
I know this waiting is SO difficult. Nothing helps, it just SUCKS! I am praying that Kevin is out soon!!!!

kristi said...

I don't know how you do it. I would lose my mind, I am so very impatient!

Terry said...

I know how you feel! We've been in for 6 weeks and a day. For some reason, I haven't been really nervous until now. I know that something is coming soon. What is the news going to be when that certain phone number pops up on caller id? Will I smacked in the head with a ton bricks because we've gotten a KO or will I be bouncing off the walls with excitement because we're OUT? This is one crazy ride....and I'd like it to end now, please.

Terry