Sorry I've been MIA...

Well, that sounds kinda arrogant. As if you've been waiting with baited breath for my next posting, or something.

Last year, at this time, I was on the referral waiting list and going nuts waiting for the call. Naturally, it took much longer than it normally does for a boy. Girl after girl was being born and I had no idea that he wouldn't even be born for another month. I was convinced that he'd be home long before Christmas of this year and predicted (I know that was silly) that he'd be home at the end of August. Early September at the latest. I pegged it exactly (go me).

I find myself thinking of his birth mother this month quite a bit. Her birthday was on the 9th...2 days before mine...and I honored her quietly on that day. This Christmas she is without the baby she gave birth to 11 months ago and I'm sad for her. I often wonder how she is doing. I have a mailing address for her and think about sending her pictures (she did tell my agency that she would be open to that) and wonder if she sincerely wants them or if it would be too painful for her. I've read that the USPS isn't the best way to go if you want to mail to Guatemala, but don't know what is the best way to go that won't cost me an arm and a leg because I'm still trying to dig out of the financial stress I put on myself when I took 9 weeks off of work to be home with Kevin.

Sometimes it seems like Kevin's been here forever and, at other times, I actually think about it and realize that it's only been 4 months. I am one of those people who can say that the pain of my infertility and the stress of the adoption process has disappeared from my life. If I actually think about it, I can remember it, but, on a day to day basis, it has melted away. For that, I am grateful. I feel so complete. Finally. Complete.

Kevin's first Christmas was rather anticlimactic, if I'm to be honest. He's too young to get excited and/or know what it's about. He had no idea what to do with the wrapped gifts, although he liked his new toys. We went to my brother's for our dinner, as always. There were 13 of us there. I don't know if I've mentioned this, but my family can be quite loud. Some louder than others. OK....all of them are considerably louder than Roni or I. A Xanax wouldn't hurt when walking into a room full of them. Two of the family members (nieces) hadn't met Kevin yet and people were clamoring over each other to get to him. The one niece (17) asked if she could hold him and I told her she could try, but he looked a little like a deer caught in oncoming headlights. Sure enough, he started crying and we had to take him to a quiet place in the house so he could gather himself. Roni took him into the living room while everyone was in the kitchen getting their plates filled and gave him a few bites of a cookie. Brilliant, I tell ya! By the times she gave him those and entered the kitchen to have him sit on her lap for meal time, he was much more acclimated to the ruckus. It doesn't hurt that he also loves to eat, so sitting down at the dinner table was the perfect way to let him look around at everyone while they were yapping and not trying to get at him. He did well after that as long as one of us was in sight. He even briefly crawled away on the living room floor while gifts were being opened, although it was only a few feet and he came right back. All in all, I think he did rather well.

I hope everyone had happy holidays...whatever holiday you observe.

So? So shoot me, I was a little off...

I was infused with confidence because of past experience. I've never missed before and I guess I was a bit arrogant in believing that my luck would hold. That my radar would not fail me and my aim would stay true.

I am speaking, of course, of entering the baby's my bedroom where Kevin is currently and I pray briefly sleeping in the dark.

It all started at a little after 10PM. I was watching The Office and diddling on my laptop when my cat decided that she was going to torture me by busting open the bedroom door to, I swear, purposely wake Kevin up because I was God-forbid-relaxing-and-we-can't-fucking-have-that-now-can-we? Naturally, she scared the bejesus out of him and he woke up. So, I went upstairs out of the bright light of the kitchen into the dark-as-the-bowels-of-hell (not really, but it seems that way when you enter from the lights) bedroom. As I stumbled over the plastic bag with "hidden" Christmas gifts in it and started a cacophony of noise, I again startled Kevin. This time he was startled quiet. I pictured him laying there with his blanket pulled up to his chin and his eyes wide listening for the next freakin' disturbance to his little world. Once his little heart started beating again, he started crying anew. I found my way to his crib and could not see a thing. I wasn't even sure if he was sitting up or laying down. That's how dang dark it was to me. I gently felt in his crib because you know damn well turning the light on would not be a good idea if you want a kid to fall right back to sleep. I was able to determine that he was laying down by gently brushing his cheek. I grabbed his bottle to see if maybe that'll settle him easily because that usually works. Problem was, my radar was on the fritz and I'm not quite sure what part of his head I hit first. It wasn't his mouth. I tried again. Missed. I went at him slow a third time figuring that maybe, just maybe, he'd get the idea and grab the damn thing to help me out. But no. He was too busy gloating at how inept I was and punctuated his disgust with me by crying louder. At this point I admitted defeat and lifted my poor baby out of his crib to comfort him because his mom is an idiot. As he brought his cheek to mine, I was able to determine that his whole face was wet with formula. He laid his head on my shoulder and promptly rubbed it dry on my sweatshirt. If I could have seen him, I'm sure I would have seen him rolling his eyes...At this point, as I'm snuggling with him and he's drifting off to sleep with his arms around me, I had a fit of the giggles picturing, what I'm sure will be, dried formula on his face and neck and had to lay him down before he started crying again because, obviously, his mother has lost her mind. Thankfully, by now my eyes had adjusted and I was able to slip the bottle into his mouth. He drank it and I was able to avoid the "hidden" gifts on the way back out of the room.

Now...where's that damn cat?

How the hell do I know where your hands were last?!

Holy shit.

So I was grocery shopping with Kevin yesterday. I have never gone somewhere with him that he doesn't elicit a comment from multiple people. I guess that would sound like bragging if, you know, I had a thing to do with how freakin' cute he is. For a while I wasn't sure how to respond to strangers saying how gorgeous he or she is (at least the "she" comments have stopped since I cut his hair and I can unclench my fists now). Part of me felt like I was misleading people if I said "thank-you" because so many people have said how much he looks like me and they think he's my bio son, but I wasn't comfortable telling complete strangers-in-passing his story. Finally, I just said "screw it" and have gotten more comfortable with just saying "thank-you". Is that wrong?

Anyway.

We were in line checking out. I was emptying the basket, so I wasn't in front of him, and this woman got in line behind us. She looked at Kevin, looked away, and did a double-take. Then she started touching his face! Arrrg! She wouldn't stop and my head was about to explode. In my head I'm saying, "Quit touching my son! Where the fuck were your hands last?!" Out loud I said nothing. I just hurried up my emptying of the cart. In hindsight, I should have hip-checked her away from him, but I was so surprised that a complete stranger would lay hands on my child that I did nothing. Finally, I pointed out to her that the other line had no waiting and she went on her way, but MAN! What would you have done or what HAVE you done in this situation?

I haven't done one of these in a long time...

God, I love this boy!

8/24/07 to present

First snow

He looks like he feels just about like I do about winter...

Ice T, bath time, and Oh, the drama!

This past weekend, Katie was treated to a visit to NY by her great-aunt Mary. Katie is a fanatic for the show Law & Order SVU and, much to her delight, they ran across an opportunity of a lifetime for her...She, who never shuts up, was left speechless:

Kevin waiting anxiously for his bath. He just loves bath time!

Oh, the joy!

Hard to believe this was his reaction on the visit trip:

Here, Kevin is pretending that he just can't get up. He laid there and did the occasional soft whine for quite a while waiting for me to do his bidding.

Cassie came over to investigate...

...and decided to sit on him.

Am I a freak?

Wait. Don't answer that.

I only brought it up because I'll bet I'm the only one of us (meaning me and you guys) that is so looking forward to January 6th because the new Gladiators show is coming on. I used to watch it, I don't know, about 10 years ago. Somewhere around there. I loved it. I wonder if I'll like it as much at this point in my life or if it'll be one of those things better left as a fond memory. It doesn't matter much if I do like it because most off-beat shows that I like wind up getting canceled. It's like I'm the curse of death to them. Except Big Brother. That, thankfully, has managed to avoid my curse. Oh, and Heroes is still surviving...

44

That's how old I am starting today. Yesterday I filled out an online survey asking my age and I put in 43. Today I'm 44. Where did all the time go?

What will I do today? Get groceries. My life is so unpredictable and exciting....

ETA: In deference to my Diabetes, this is the birthday cake Roni had delivered to me. A cake made of flowers:

Censoring myself is upon me....

All of a sudden it has happened. Just like that. Kevin is repeating things we say. Whoa. How can it go from me not being sure he's really saying a damn thing a little over a week ago, to this? I need time. I'm just grateful he didn't start on Friday when I was spewing the "f" word like a chant. It started Saturday. I was leaving for work and he repeated, and I'm serious here, "love you". Only it was more like, "ov ooo". Wow. No, seriously. It blew me away. Then he repeated Roni this weekend when she caught him getting into the DVD cabinet and she said "Kevin". He said, "Eh-in". Today I pulled a piece of paper out of his mouth that he stuck in there and I said "yuck". He said, you guessed it, "uck". Obviously, he could easily repeat "fuck" and it would also probably come out as "uck".

I guess I have to start censoring myself so I don't have a cursing infant/toddler on my hands...might make play dates a little tough to come by.

I will spare you the pictures...

I have to lead in with this. You will soon understand why.

Cassie (the Pug) was not feeling well earlier today. This is evidenced by her laying around and not wanting to eat or go outside to do her "business". She does this once in a while...probably from something she ate the day before. I decided to pick her up from the couch and carry her outside because she normally starts feeling better after she "goes". Well, it worked and she was more herself after a little while.

Fast forward----->Kevin woke up from his nap at 12:15PM. I prepared his lunch and started feeding him. Cassie, now that she was feeling better, came over to her spot under Kevin's highchair to beg for food. I finished feeding Kevin and lifted him out of his highchair and put him on the floor. While I was putting the dirty dishes in the sink, Kevin and Cassie headed off into the living room together.

This is how fast the horror happened!

I walked back into the dining room and Cassie came running out of the living room and sat under Kevin's highchair. Something was off. I looked at her and said, "What's the matter?" (yes, I talk to my Pug as if she's human) "Do you have to go out?". I peeked into the living room to check on Kevin before letting Cassie out and...HOLY SHIT! Kevin was sitting in the middle of the floor happily running his right hand through something liquid. I actually felt my head blow off my shoulders. I ran toward him, while carrying my head under my arm, saying in a plaintive voice "no, no, no, no, no" and then popped my head back on so I could pick my baby up out of the liquid shit. I held my sweet, shit-smelling, child at arms length while chanting fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. Meanwhile, Cassie hasn't been left back out yet and she still needs to go! I didn't know whether to shit or go blind. I stripped Kevin of his clothes all the while thanking God he was in something easy to get off (read: I didn't have to hold him against me and, basically, practically levitated him in midair while taking his clothes off). I set him on the kitchen floor and ran over to the door to let Cassie out before there was any more damage done to my delicate senses, while keeping one eye on Kevin and praying that he did not stick his hands in his ever-lovin' mouth. The poor child then got disinfected. I briefly contemplated spraying him with Lysol. Okay...I kid. I didn't have any name brand Lysol. Only generic. Oh, I kid again.

So....how was your day?

I finally did it...

I just couldn't take it anymore. If I had to hear from a stranger one more time how beautiful my daughter was, I was gonna spit. Look at his face. He looks like a boy. He has since the day he was born. He never had a face that could go either way. At least that's what I thought. So many people see his hair and assume he's a girl.

So.....although I've never cut anyone's hair in my life, and was actually a little afraid of what I'd do to him, I'm pretty pleased with the results.

Before:

And after:

Our Christmas card

I've never done a photo Christmas card before, but, when Shutterfly offered it to me for FREE (seriously...if it's FREE, it's for ME!) because I'm a new mom (I have no idea how they got that info), I just had to do it.

The pics are from 3 days old (the first pics we received) and continue with 1 per each month we were waiting for him to come home. The final pic is after he's home.

Without a doubt

I've made comments on other people's blogs about Kevin's supposed-might be-but can't be sure first words. Such as "Mama" and "bah bah", but how am I supposed to be sure that it's not just babble? If he pointed to said object/person and said it, that would be a sure thing. Right? So, even though I think he's been saying those things for awhile now, I couldn't be positive of it.

So yesterday? When I was getting ready to go out into the Tundra cold blizzard snow storm couple of inches of snow to go to work, Roni said to Kevin, "Tell Mommy bye-bye" and he did. A clear as a bell-have no doubt word. "Buh-bye".

I'm so proud.