Holy crap!

I have a tree(?) in my yard that is trying to take over the neighborhood. I don't think it's really a tree, although it's as big as one, it's more like a mutant weed on steroids. It started out harmless enough, but it is completely out of control now. It grows some kind of berries on it....I have no idea what kind they are, but the birds love them. Apparently, they feel the need to sit directly above my brand new minivan and eat and shit continuously. I swear I have never seen so much bird crap on a car that was clean one day and is now absolutely covered in it on the passenger side and roof (thankfully the branches don't extend to the driver's side). Needless to say I will be taking my chainsaw pruners to that puppy tomorrow. I'm not going for aesthetically pleasing either. I'm going to hack off as many branches as I can reach and, God as my witness, if I can get that monstrosity cut down, I will. Wish me luck that I don't lop a finger off.